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Maybe I'm just salty that the post I took the most amount of time on, 3 hours listening along with the show, was not received better (Dick's night one). But it is literally exactly the kind of review you are calling for and the only kind of review that I would make. It was the polar opposite of this review, and still did not succeed in giving the people what they want (if the voting tells you anything). And I realized that it was mighty hubristic of me to expect people to love everything that comes out of my mind and onto the board.
So how does this relate to your post? Well the mere fact that you said that you would pay phish.net to let them post your reviews as featured pretty much sums it up for me. In the literary/academic world this is known as self-publishing and anything that comes out of it is kind of a joke because it couldn't make the cut in the real world of publishing.
Also, phish.net has not been publishing whoever writes the longest review. I'm not sure where you got this idea, but you can clearly tell who the contributors are by going under the "Navigator" tab and seeing everyone who has posted to the blog. They are generally people who help put the website together and are longtime contributors going back to the "old review" section. Martin Acaster has reviewed just about every Ghost of 1.0. "Icculus" is Charlie Dirksen who has written more reviews of jams than everyone else put together.
So it all comes down to recognition. We all want recognition. I wanted recognition for that mammoth review that took me forever to create. Clearly you want recognition. But you can't just hop on the board and talk about how great your reviews would be, put your money where your mouth is and freaking write one then.
It reminds me of a quick talk I had with Dirksen about a year back. I was urging him to review new jam material because I thought there was a definite lack of that on the new site compared to the old. He said to go ahead and write your own, man. Nothing is stopping you but you seem to want the official accreditation of seeing your name in lights up there at the top. Gotta work for it first.